Batman and Robin: The Story of No Pants
by Tazz Dieudonne
Summary: Robin shows batman his costume and all batman has to say is "You're not wearing any pants." This is a humorous story written on a whim. DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY! it could be the death of you . A co-directed play by Tazz Dieudonne and the Mortician's Daughter. Be warned, much gayness, insanity, and laughter will come your way. Joker/Batman pairing!


Authors note- This is written in the form of a play. WARNING- THIS IS FOR FUN DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY. Key-**what is happening, **_what people are thinking, _*what people are doing*. Reviews help keep us motivated to write more of this craziness!

**The directors enter the stage.**

Tazz: "Dear audience we are back again with another play!"

Mortician's Daughter: "So break out the popcorn!"

Tazz: "Warnings- humor and gayness will ensue! Also our Robin person is based off the old TV shows and cartoons not the new movie and the Nolonized version Robin/John Blake/ Nightwing"

Mortician's Daughter: "Keep in mind we aren't aiming to insult anyone. Please enjoy, and any disruptions will be dealt with accordingly".

**The curtains open to Bruce Wayne's living room. Batman stands, hands on hips waiting impatiently.**

Narrator: *enters* "Batman, the terror of the night, has finally found his partner! The amazing Robin, who is currently putting on his new costume, renouncing his life to become the side kick of a man who has devoted his life to the deliverance of justice! This is a grand moment!"

Robin: *struts out from a dressing room to show batman his costume*

Batman: "What are you wearing?"

Robin: "My new costume!" *turns around*

Batman: "You're not wearing any pants!" _Don't look at his legs don't look at his legs_

Robin: "You don't need pants to fight crime!"

Batman: "Yes! Yes you do!"_ I wonder if he shaved...? Crap! Don't look!_

Robin: "What? Give me one good reason." *pouts*

Batman: "Everyone we've fought wears pants! Joker wears pants, Bane wears pants, Black Mask has pants..."

Robin: "Poison Ivy doesn't wear pants!"

Batman: "She's a girl!"

Robin: "So?"

Batman "well...I...um..." _He does look attractive enough to be a girl_

Robin: "Are you saying my legs are ugly?" *sad face*

Batman: "No! Not at all" *looks* "Actually they're not bad..." _It is not natural for a man to have legs that pretty._

Robin: "Then I don't have to wear pants! So how does the rest of my costume look?" *poses*

Batman: "Look Robin, about the pants-"

Robin: "What? What about the pants, Batsy?!"

Batman: "There are no pants, that's the problem" *shaking his head to clear images of what the rest of Robin must look like*

Robin: "That's the point!"

Batman: "I fail to see..."

Robin: "Oh you're just too straight!"

Batman: "WHAT!?" _My thoughts are anything but straight at the moment_

Robin: "Look. It's a distraction!"

Batman: "You... uh..." _Your straight Bruce, remember Rachel _"want to distract our um..."

Robin: "Yes! It's so unexpected; they'll never see it coming! You see, it will go like this -!" *kick*

Batman: _Damn those _are_ distracting!_ "Robin, go put on some pants."

Robin: "But-!"

Batman: "Now Robin! Pants are an essential part of crime fighting and I'll hear no different!"

Robin: "FINE! You're no fun at all!" *stomps off*

Batman: _Finally_

Robin: *comes back out* "Happy?"

Batman: "You're still not wearing any pants" _Don't look at him!_

Robin: "Yes I am! They're just skin colored see!" *lifts his leg up for inspection*

Batman: _Why? Why are they so attractive, why?_

Batman: "Robin you're missing the point. Your plan... I just don't think it would work, tights or no tights..." _Please__,__ please just do as I say. You're killing me kid_

Robin: "No! I'm certain it will work! Just give it a chance-!"

Batman: "Robin."

Robin: "Okay how about this, we go out and fight somebody and if my distraction doesn't work, then, well, I'll find a new costume."

Batman: *this might work...* "Okay!" *hope*

Robin: "But if it does I lose my flesh colored pants completely and you can't say a thing!"

Batman: _Oh no! I can't fight next to him like this! But I'll give it a shot_ "Okay."

Alfred: *comes running from the other room* "Sir! Sir! It's the Joker!"

Batman: "What?!"

Alfred: "He's out! He escaped!" *running around in panic*

Batman: "Calm down Alfred, just tell me where he is." *stops him with a hand on his shoulder*

Joker: "Right behind you! HA HA!" *holding a gun to Robin's head*

Robin: "Um a little help?"

Joker: *looks down at Robin struggling* "Well well" *raises eye brow and licks lips* "what do we have here?"

Robin: *coy smile* "Like my new costume?"

Joker: "Yes." *licks lips*

Batman:_ NOOOOOO!_ "Um...guys?"

Robin: "Well..." *seductive smile changes to a sneer and swiftly flips Joker over his shoulder and holds him to the ground*

Joker: "Unhand me! How...?" *struggling wildly*

Robin: "See he was distracted!"

Batman: _ think, quick, you fight with him like this and you will be the one distracted_ "That's just the Joker! He would hit on a rock!"

Joker: "Would not!" *crosses arms*

Batman: "Would too!"

Joker: "Would not!"

Batman: "Would too!"

Robin: "We were talking about my attractive legs here!"

Gordon: *walking in and hearing Robin* "um..."

Batman: *panic* "I can explain!"

Robin: "So I don't have to wear pants anymore right!" *runs to the other room to change*

Gordon: "...Batman...?" *looks at batman with a puzzled expression*

Batman: "Gordon, please, just please don't ask."

Joker: "Damn that kid, I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for him..."

Robin: *returns pants-less* "Ta da!"

Gordon:_ I usually trust batman on a lot of things, but I do wonder about that kid._

Alfred: "Master Robin! You're not wearing any pants!" *worried*

Batman: _Here we go again_

Joker: "Okay so if he's not wearing pants why do I have to?" *wide grin*

Batman: "Can't you two be normal and just wear pants!"

Gordon: "I'm just going to leave you guys to this...I'll be outside...in case..." *walks out awkwardly*

Batman._ The only sane person has left the building. I'm all alone. _

Robin: "Can I dress him up! Please, oh please, oh please!" * puppy dog eyes, moving long slender legs seductively*

Batman:_ Why are they so dam attractive? "_Robin, no, you may not dress the super villain up."

Joker: "Why not Batsy? Afraid I'll outlook you?"

Batman: "No!"

Robin: "Then why not? Come on J!" *unties Joker* "Alfred where is all the costume material?"

Alfred: "Upstairs on the left Master Robin."

Batman: _I need to get away from these loonies_... *starts to creep off*

Alfred: "Oh no Master Wayne, you need to relax a little. *grabs cape* "Some dress up with Robin should help!"

Batman: "Alfred! Noooooooooooo!" *is dragged upstairs*

Alfred: *sits Batman down and makes him stay*

Joker: "All these pretty colors and all you wear is black?" *looking through costume box*

Robin: "I know tell me about it! So dull!"

Alfred: "I have always thought so as well."

Robin: "Well...that can be fixed." *smile*

Joker: "No!" *stomps foot* "Me first!"

Alfred: "Okay we'll do Batsy next." _finally Master Wayne is getting some color in him! Robin is such a good influence._

Batman: _I'm a bat dammit, I don't need color!_

Robin: "Okay, let's see what we have!" *digs through the closet, throwing things out*

Joker: *waiting eagerly* "I can't wait! I haven't played dress up since I was young!" *bounces*

Alfred: "What about this one Master Robin?" *Holds up a green ballroom dress*

Robin: *takes dress and holds it up to joker* "Oh that matches your eyes so well! Go put it on!"

Joker: "A dress? Well okay!" *strips off coat and waist-coat, starts to pull off shirt*

Batman: "What are you doing?!" *blushes and holds up his arms to block joker from his view*

Joker: "Getting undressed?" *shoots Batman an odd look*

Robin: "He's got this whole un-gay thing, it's annoying!"

Alfred: "Master Wayne is just shy."

Joker: "He'll get over it." *keeps stripping*

Batman: "Joker couldn't you go someplace else?" *still shielding eyes*

Robin: "Seriously! Grow a back bone Batsy."

Joker: "I have heard you refer to him as Batsy twice now. Is this a new thing?"

Robin: "Well that's what we call him some times." *blush*

Joker: "Well..." *shirt off, walks over to Batsy*

Batman: *tries to back away* _What is he up too?_

Joker: *sits down in Batsy's lap*

Batman: "Get off."

Joker: *smile widens*

Batman: "Remove yourself from my person. I'm warning you." * squirms back against the chair* _Damn Alfred why did he have to put me in the old electric chair?_

Joker: "Or you'll do what?" *giggles and leans closer*

Batman: "I'll, um, ...I will, uh" _I can't think straight with him on me like that_ *face blushes scarlet*

Joker: "You look hot, maybe you should take off that cape" *fingers nimbly unclasp his cape*

Robin: "Oh Batman! Your face! You look so horrified!" *starts giggling*

Batman: "Shut up and help me, you!"

Alfred: "Master Wayne, you really should just go with the moment."

Joker: "The man is right. It could be much worse for you if you didn't." *holds up trigger to electric chair*

Batman: "You'll get it too if you push that!" *panicking*

Joker: "And I look like I care? You on the other hand might find it quite...unpleasant." *starts to strap Batman down*

Batman: _Why? Why me?_

Robin: *to Alfred* "Maybe we should leave them to it"

Alfred: "Much agreed." *walk out skipping arm in arm*

Batman: "No! Don't leave me!"

Joker: *Starts to undo Batsy's costume*

Batman: "Ahhhhh Rape rape rape! Dammit don't leave me you assholes!" *Robin and Alfred shut the door* "You're fired! Both of you!"

Joker: *leers*

Batman: *swallows and notices the top half of his costume is gone* "How did you do that? I'm strapped to a chair, and unable to move! How did you get the..." *sees glittering knife in Joker's hand* "oh" _I'm going to have a tough time explaining to Mr. Fox why my armor and suit are shredded _

Joker: *large smile and kisses Batman when he isn't expecting it*

Batman: *Splutters* "What are you doing?"

Joker: "Curing you."

Batman: "I never asked to be cured"

Joker: "Well call it free help, and you should always take something that's free." *licks lips*

Batman: "I don't want it." _How did this even happen_?

Joker: *laughs and lifts off his shirt*

**At the same time...**

Gordon: *outside sees the form of Joker kissing Batman* "Well it looks like everything is all good! Let's go team!" *they leave*

**Back inside...**

Robin: "Do you think they will be okay in there?"

Alfred: "I'm sure Master Wayne is enjoying himself."

**In the room...**

Batman: _Wow! He really is attractive_.

Joker: "I'm sure you will enjoy this." *grin*

Batman: *struggle*

Joker: *strokes the hard muscles of Batman's upper torso*

Batman: "Stop it!"

Joker: "No" *gleeful giggle* "You really are very muscular."

Batman: "Yeah you won't like them so much when they are punching you in the face."

Joker: "Oh come now. Let's have nice talk unless..." *twirls knife*

Batman: "I'm not afraid of you."

Joker: "Yes you are!" *sing song voice* "But not for the right reasons." *kisses Batman again harder*

Batman: _That feels so good...wait...Why? _

Joker: *starts to stroke lower* "I wonder, am I the first man?"

Batman: "Get off!" *coming back to his sense.*

Joker: *tut tut* "None of that now." *Starts undoing Batman's belt *

Batman: _Shit this isn't good! no!_

Joker: *in one swift movement wipes off Batman's pants*

Catwoman: "Nice boxers Bruce" *giggle*

Joker: "What!?" *looks at the window*

Batman: "How long have you been there?!"

Catwoman: "...Awhile. But don't mind me, continue."

Joker: *shrugs* "okay"

Batman: "Wait! Wait a minute!" _I've got to get out of here, this is damaging me morally_

Catwoman: "Why?"

Joker: "I agree why?"

Batman: "Catwoman you have to help me!"

Catwoman: "Oh so this wasn't your idea?"

Batman: *splutters* "No!"

Joker: "Don't be like that! There's no need to be ashamed!" *giggles*

Batman: *blush*

**Outside the room**

Robin: "Hey I think I hear Catwoman" *presses ear closer to door* "Maybe I'll go say hi"

Alfred: *reenters the room* "All of Master Wayne's pants are hidden master robin."

Robin: "great!" *enters other room*

**Inside the room**

Robin: "Hi Catwoman!"

Catwoman: *watching joker and batman* "Oh hi Robin"

Robin: "Alright Joker, we've gotten them all hidden."

Batman: "All what is hidden?" _Why do I get a really bad feeling about this?_

Joker: *grins* "Fantastic!" *looks down a Batman* "I get to keep him for the rest of the night." *licks lips*

Robin: "Sure! I'll tell Alfred you're staying over."

Batman: "You hid all of my what?"

Joker: "Your pants."

Batman: "What? Why?!"

Robin: "To show you the importance of pants Batman. Duh." *exits*

Narrator: *comes out in boxers* "And so for the next week and a half batman went pants less. Alfred wouldn't even give him a pair for his business meetings. The end"

**Cast reenters stage well wearing no pants, take their bows.**

Tazz: "Well goodnight every one! We hope to see you again someday! Be careful on the way home; don't make Batman come and save you pant-less."

Mortician's Daughter: "Because while Robin might shave, Batman sure doesn't. Goodnight everyone!" *Curtain goes down.* 


End file.
